Note to Self:

This has nothing to do with how worthy of love you are. This has everything to do with the fact that you cannot control how others feel.

I'm ok.

Wow. I’m a strange creature. I’ve never been able to live up to the standard, expected human emotional reactions in most situations. But I never expected to wake up this morning… after being dumped, having cried in the dark on the hammock to the melancholy Mexican love songs of Mana, that I would wake up feeling so refreshed and awake, powerful even, and ready to begin a day of intentional feelings and actions. I was shocked and completely hurt by what went down last night. But there’s a line in the movie “The Air I Breathe” that goes something along the lines of, “Sometimes being totally f*cked can be an extremely liberating experience.” I have already decided not to get caught up in the post drama drama, and I feel better than I have felt on normal mornings when everything was supposedly just fine. I feel like I have reverted to inner-Leah, the one who trusts herself, is quick to act on knowing, and is not afraid. I hope she sticks around for a little while, because I definitely don’t need to mourn right now. It does not match where I was headed. And I cannot afford to head in any direction but good.

Dear Joey

You are not my father, nor could you ever be. But you know me better than he ever could, and love me more than he ever knew how to. I think Father’s Day passed not too long ago… I’m not really sure, but I think I remember seeing something on the MSN messenger news brief window. It’s a day that never meant anything to me. I also know that my real father’s birthday passed not too long ago. I only knew the day because Mom alluded to it in an email, I think. Otherwise, I would not have realized it.

I tend not to let myself get attached to anyone. That includes childhood friends who I have pushed away. That includes my own flesh and blood, from whom I am always straying. And that includes those who have past out of physical existence, including one man named Daniel St. John. Even seeing the name in writing gives me a surreal feeling. It was never real, it will never be.

What I do know is that you love me, and I love you. I know that the first person I think about when I dream of purchasing my first car or home is you. It’s not about the fact that you have more knowledge than I do about money, or anything for that matter. It’s about the fact that you are the only man in this world who I know will always look out for my very best interest. You will always protect me. I know your heart is big enough to show the same love to my brother, who didn’t know how to love any man after a dad who betrayed him. I know your heart is big enough to embrace a family that will probably never mesh fully with your own. This is life, and this is the best you have known to do with it. I know that. I will never blame you for that.

You are also the only person I have ever known to truly adore my purest soul mate, my mama. Maybe that’s the biggest thing we have in common, we both esteem her higher than any other human being, and she is the first place we will run to if we need to give love, feel love, and cry for the lack of it. This I know.

From my days of a tomboy growing into herself… shooting hoops with a distant dream of greatness at anything, to my days of darkness in a sad basement room that you built, hoping nobody, including you, would knock on the door. Today, Leah is telling you…. from her days of utter self-fulfillment… thank you. You have made a difference in me, and I will never stop loving you, just like I know you never will. If that is not a father/daughter relationship, I don’t know what is.

Love,
“Leah-Leah”

p.s. Congratulations on the engagement!

Today for the first time in my life

I got dumped by a boyfriend. (tears) This is not going to be easy to get over. He was really special. I don't know what to say... I'm still in shock. I don't know what to think. I think my heart is going to explode from my chest. This is definately going to be a week of new beginnings.

Feet back on the ground.

My "real" weekend was a mess, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. It's time for me to regroup, reorganize, and do what I really gotta do. This week I'm going to start from scratch with many things, because having my head in the clouds made me neglect certain things that I really would like to maintain... my stable work situation, my health, and the secure feeling you get when you KNOW you are working toward something, and you KNOW what that thing is. I know, I'm elusive. I always have been. I just need to give myself a checkup from the neck up. As one of my favorite lines from U2 says, "If you wanna kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel." This can be taken many ways, but for me, today, it means "don't completely leave where you have been on a hunch of pure happiness." Happiness can sometimes just be an idea without the feeling, in which case, it is not. Gotta get to work, because today is really Monday, and this is really going to be a grounded week for me. I will promise myself that.

This is know...

impossible is just another word for hard to believe.

Ze heck?!

What is going on with me? All day I was convinced that today was Saturday, so I went about my life in a relaxed, Saturday sort of way. Then, later in the afternoon, I started to feel that it was Sunday, so I still felt relaxed, but with a silent knowing that I should get some work done before the researchers get in on Monday. Then, I log on to the internet, and my work email, and discover it is FRIDAY! My in-box is full, there's work to be done, and there are people to communicate with before the REAL weekend. It's almost midnight here, but in Maryland it's only before noon on Friday, so I am a wee bit screwed. It's gonna be a long night. Geez Louise. What is wrong with me?! Yes, I ate dinner Mom. ;o)