Dear Joey

You are not my father, nor could you ever be. But you know me better than he ever could, and love me more than he ever knew how to. I think Father’s Day passed not too long ago… I’m not really sure, but I think I remember seeing something on the MSN messenger news brief window. It’s a day that never meant anything to me. I also know that my real father’s birthday passed not too long ago. I only knew the day because Mom alluded to it in an email, I think. Otherwise, I would not have realized it.

I tend not to let myself get attached to anyone. That includes childhood friends who I have pushed away. That includes my own flesh and blood, from whom I am always straying. And that includes those who have past out of physical existence, including one man named Daniel St. John. Even seeing the name in writing gives me a surreal feeling. It was never real, it will never be.

What I do know is that you love me, and I love you. I know that the first person I think about when I dream of purchasing my first car or home is you. It’s not about the fact that you have more knowledge than I do about money, or anything for that matter. It’s about the fact that you are the only man in this world who I know will always look out for my very best interest. You will always protect me. I know your heart is big enough to show the same love to my brother, who didn’t know how to love any man after a dad who betrayed him. I know your heart is big enough to embrace a family that will probably never mesh fully with your own. This is life, and this is the best you have known to do with it. I know that. I will never blame you for that.

You are also the only person I have ever known to truly adore my purest soul mate, my mama. Maybe that’s the biggest thing we have in common, we both esteem her higher than any other human being, and she is the first place we will run to if we need to give love, feel love, and cry for the lack of it. This I know.

From my days of a tomboy growing into herself… shooting hoops with a distant dream of greatness at anything, to my days of darkness in a sad basement room that you built, hoping nobody, including you, would knock on the door. Today, Leah is telling you…. from her days of utter self-fulfillment… thank you. You have made a difference in me, and I will never stop loving you, just like I know you never will. If that is not a father/daughter relationship, I don’t know what is.

Love,
“Leah-Leah”

p.s. Congratulations on the engagement!