Note to Self:

This has nothing to do with how worthy of love you are. This has everything to do with the fact that you cannot control how others feel.

I'm ok.

Wow. I’m a strange creature. I’ve never been able to live up to the standard, expected human emotional reactions in most situations. But I never expected to wake up this morning… after being dumped, having cried in the dark on the hammock to the melancholy Mexican love songs of Mana, that I would wake up feeling so refreshed and awake, powerful even, and ready to begin a day of intentional feelings and actions. I was shocked and completely hurt by what went down last night. But there’s a line in the movie “The Air I Breathe” that goes something along the lines of, “Sometimes being totally f*cked can be an extremely liberating experience.” I have already decided not to get caught up in the post drama drama, and I feel better than I have felt on normal mornings when everything was supposedly just fine. I feel like I have reverted to inner-Leah, the one who trusts herself, is quick to act on knowing, and is not afraid. I hope she sticks around for a little while, because I definitely don’t need to mourn right now. It does not match where I was headed. And I cannot afford to head in any direction but good.

Dear Joey

You are not my father, nor could you ever be. But you know me better than he ever could, and love me more than he ever knew how to. I think Father’s Day passed not too long ago… I’m not really sure, but I think I remember seeing something on the MSN messenger news brief window. It’s a day that never meant anything to me. I also know that my real father’s birthday passed not too long ago. I only knew the day because Mom alluded to it in an email, I think. Otherwise, I would not have realized it.

I tend not to let myself get attached to anyone. That includes childhood friends who I have pushed away. That includes my own flesh and blood, from whom I am always straying. And that includes those who have past out of physical existence, including one man named Daniel St. John. Even seeing the name in writing gives me a surreal feeling. It was never real, it will never be.

What I do know is that you love me, and I love you. I know that the first person I think about when I dream of purchasing my first car or home is you. It’s not about the fact that you have more knowledge than I do about money, or anything for that matter. It’s about the fact that you are the only man in this world who I know will always look out for my very best interest. You will always protect me. I know your heart is big enough to show the same love to my brother, who didn’t know how to love any man after a dad who betrayed him. I know your heart is big enough to embrace a family that will probably never mesh fully with your own. This is life, and this is the best you have known to do with it. I know that. I will never blame you for that.

You are also the only person I have ever known to truly adore my purest soul mate, my mama. Maybe that’s the biggest thing we have in common, we both esteem her higher than any other human being, and she is the first place we will run to if we need to give love, feel love, and cry for the lack of it. This I know.

From my days of a tomboy growing into herself… shooting hoops with a distant dream of greatness at anything, to my days of darkness in a sad basement room that you built, hoping nobody, including you, would knock on the door. Today, Leah is telling you…. from her days of utter self-fulfillment… thank you. You have made a difference in me, and I will never stop loving you, just like I know you never will. If that is not a father/daughter relationship, I don’t know what is.

Love,
“Leah-Leah”

p.s. Congratulations on the engagement!

Today for the first time in my life

I got dumped by a boyfriend. (tears) This is not going to be easy to get over. He was really special. I don't know what to say... I'm still in shock. I don't know what to think. I think my heart is going to explode from my chest. This is definately going to be a week of new beginnings.

Feet back on the ground.

My "real" weekend was a mess, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. It's time for me to regroup, reorganize, and do what I really gotta do. This week I'm going to start from scratch with many things, because having my head in the clouds made me neglect certain things that I really would like to maintain... my stable work situation, my health, and the secure feeling you get when you KNOW you are working toward something, and you KNOW what that thing is. I know, I'm elusive. I always have been. I just need to give myself a checkup from the neck up. As one of my favorite lines from U2 says, "If you wanna kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel." This can be taken many ways, but for me, today, it means "don't completely leave where you have been on a hunch of pure happiness." Happiness can sometimes just be an idea without the feeling, in which case, it is not. Gotta get to work, because today is really Monday, and this is really going to be a grounded week for me. I will promise myself that.

This is know...

impossible is just another word for hard to believe.

Ze heck?!

What is going on with me? All day I was convinced that today was Saturday, so I went about my life in a relaxed, Saturday sort of way. Then, later in the afternoon, I started to feel that it was Sunday, so I still felt relaxed, but with a silent knowing that I should get some work done before the researchers get in on Monday. Then, I log on to the internet, and my work email, and discover it is FRIDAY! My in-box is full, there's work to be done, and there are people to communicate with before the REAL weekend. It's almost midnight here, but in Maryland it's only before noon on Friday, so I am a wee bit screwed. It's gonna be a long night. Geez Louise. What is wrong with me?! Yes, I ate dinner Mom. ;o)

Two roads diverged...

What does "one" do when "one" knows that taking a certain path will result in all of the following:

1) Immediate joy

2) Intermediate pain

3) Future joy

"One" gets stuck, but "one" knows that joy always overrides pain. What am I talking about, you ask? It's like the Washington Post. If you don't get it, you don't get it.

"You look tired."

Last night I slept a full 12 hours... and I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to have a great day. I did a few chores around the house, did some exercise, even a little pampering, so as i was walking down the street at around 6pm, I was surprised to hear the boy who works at the surf shop say, "Hi Leah! You look tired!" That got me thinking, and then I realized that I WAS tired. Pretty damn tired. I chatted with him for a few minutes, and then realized something that hope to not forget again:

Eating is not optional. If you exercise after breakfast, and you don't have lunch because you are so caught up in what you are doing, you will get tired. And whether you feel actual "hunger" or not, you need to eat, PRONTO!

I have been experiencing this a lot lately. Something has happened in the past month or so... and I have lost my sense of hunger. Eating has felt like a chore, as I scarf down the first thing of any nutritional value that I can get my hands on, and chug some water so I don't choke on it. The pleasure of food is just not there, and therefore my desire for it has dwindled. This is the first time in my life that I have felt this way, and it is strange because it is completely unintentional. When I would purposely deny myself food in the past, I had hunger "pains", as I call them (I just recently realized that everyone else was saying "pangs"). But I don't even have hunger pains, and when I realize I need to eat, I don't even get an appetite.

This is not something I am worrying about, but I do need to be aware of my nutrition levels, because I can see a difference in my eyes (the whites are not as white as they should be, and I am getting dark circles). It's curious to me, because I do not feel depressed. In fact, I feel quite the opposite... like butterflies and high on life. Maybe this is the culprit. All I know is that I SO do not want to be in a state of starvation ever again, and I need to figure out a way to change my attitude about eating. (sigh)

Grrrrrrrr

Since I'm working with our new outsourced team in India, I get a lot of emails with questions and concerns about what they are learning. There's something not quite right about the "proper" English used over there. When you say "Kindly..." followed by a request, such as "Kindly tell us how to edit the (blah blah blah)", it irks me to no end. I know it is supposed to be polite, but to my American self, this sounds a little pushy. Nobody gets to decide whether my directions on the editing process of (blah blah blah) are kind or not. I get to decide that! And I would respond "kindly" anyway, but that is not the point. The kindness will be of my own accord, ok outsourced employees? Kindly use the word "please" instead. Thank you most kindly!

The glass is running over...

I am so on cloud 9, I don't even know how to explain it. The past 24 hours have just been one crazily good thing after another... these kind of things I like to call "life winks", things that remind me what being alive is supposed to be, that remind me of my power, of the magic, of the intense energy of our thoughts and feelings. I just got another wink not even 10 minutes ago. What is going on?! It is always this way for me.... when it rains it pours, and when the rainbow comes out, it goes on forever and wraps around the world! Wow. Let me collect my thoughts and bask in the amazement of life. More details later...

Christmas in June

By pure necessity, I have learned some tricks in the past few years to help with my mood and well-being. This may be goofy, but this is a surefire way to boost my energy and kick up the vibration to a better place: listening to Christmas songs. I don’t care that it’s June. Yesterday I had my iTunes on shuffle, and on comes “Jingle Bell Rock” by Brenda Lee… you know that one? And I swear, I just about regressed into 12-year-old Leah, excited, hopeful, anxious, and expectant… without a care in the world. And you see, this is exactly how I ideally want to feel every minute of life. So why not play a little mental trick on myself every once in a while? Besides, nothing bad can ever come from Andy Williams’ “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. That time of the year can be now!

Like Whoa.

Today I read my horoscope, and it was “like whoa” (if I may borrow the lingo from my wonderful brother-in- law). I will not disclose what it said, nor how it profoundly connected to the very thing I was thinking before I read it, but I am going to do a little experiment and see if this whole Aquarius prophecy for the month of June 2008 really pans out. If it does, I will fill you in on the details. Man, I am still shocked. How could that have applied to one twelfth of the population? I know every gullible fool says that, but I aint no gullible fool. And of all places, it came from Marie Claire (Australia Edition). LOL.

I am the Queen.

Today as I went to pay the nice boy at the Internet Café (at 1am), I was amusingly informed that I had set a new record for the longest length of time spent on the internet in one sitting: 11 ½ hours. He didn’t hand me an award… instead I handed him my money, and reminded myself I needed to eat dinner. The upside is that I was in a quiet, air-conditioned environment (both precious here), and that I was productive, and I was paid for those hours. Zombie eyes, swollen ankles, flat chair-ass and all… I am glad to have work. And I’m the undisputed Bali Internet Queen! Who wanna test me?!

Virgin Coconut Oil Update

News flash: I am an addict for life. This wonderful gift of nature has become my health/beauty secret for nearly everything. Because of its moisturizing effects, its rich lauric acid and vitamin E content, its antibacterial properties, and more, I have been able to replace so many synthetic products that weren’t even half as good as my trusty VCO. Here are just a few of the ways I am using this liquid gold:

- as a nightly facial/body moisturizer
- as a deep hair conditioning treatment (pre-wash/overnight conditioner)
- as a cuticle serum
- to heal small cuts and wounds, and prevent scarring
- to reduce the visibility of old scars
- as a dietary supplement (2-4 teaspoons a day) to aid in digestive health, boost my immune system, and give my hair, skin and nails a glow from the inside out
- as a tanning oil (since it has a light natural sunscreen, and leaves the skin supple and beautifully, evenly tanned)
- for after-sun/after shower to lock in moisture
- as massage oil for full body massages
- as a lip balm/gloss
- to tame hair fly-aways
- and so much more!
I am very particular about what I put on my skin, especially my face, but this does nothing but heal me and keep me in balance. I just can’t believe how amazing it is. I think Virgin Coconut Oil will be my fountain of youth. I am hooked! If you haven’t tried VCO, please do (make sure it’s organic, cold pressed)! Do a little research on the net. If anything, try it on your hair as a deep conditioner. You will be pleasantly rewarded, I promise. ;o) FYI: I just read in a magazine that Jennifer Aniston swears by it, and that she takes is as a supplement. Hello! She is famous for her hair and her glow!

Sun-kissed hair?

I’m considering some natural looking golden highlights in a few different tones (alla Eva Mendes golden) to offset the plain dark pallet of my hair, since I’m tan and it’s basically eternal summer here… I think it would be more tropical. Any thoughts?

Something I'd like to say...

There is something seriously wrong if I can smell your breath from 3 meters away.

VERY IMPORTANT (to me) ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

This is an announcement to state that I, Leah Fawn St. John, as of yesterday, am officially credit debt free for the first time since I was old enough to make the mistake of getting a credit card in my name. Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!! I am so proud of myself!!!!!! This has been a long time coming, ever since the day I cut up my credit cards infront of Mom, and glued the peices to my vision board I made. It's also one of the severals goals I made for myself while I was living here in Bali. I plan to stay credit card debt free forever. I love my Visa bank card... it is real money! I'm through with the fake money. I'd like to thank Mom for positive financial guidance, and I want to give a shout out to SunTrust Bank... especially Falls Grove and all my trusty bank tellers.... and a huge shout out to Internet Banking, without which, online bill pay would be a pain in the ass. BIG UPS to REAL MONEY!!!!!!! (in accent of Bouny Killer) Yay!

Back again!

Hey, I'm back! I just have been so busy lately. I thought about updating my blog on my down time, but when I did, it just seemed like another thing to do in my inbox, and that is not the place you want to be when you are writing! So I waited a while, and now I think I am ready to get back to it again. I just started a new project "training" some new outsourced people in India, but I think I will be back to my normal work week soon, as they seem to be real smart and are catching on quick. ;o) I think it's cool that we are outsourcing to India, being such a small company as we are. I am actually the closest employee to them... I'm right on the Indian Ocean! As long as I keep my own job, I'm good, and I can deal with the emails in too-polite British English. Anyway... unexpected tangent. Point is, I'm back. Thanks Harmony for the nudge!

Buona notte!

I have been so busy that I haven't had time to blog. It's 3am here, and I just "got off" work. Living in a vacation destination does not equate with being on vacation. Anyway, I'm off to bed because the mosquitos are eating me alive (I only have wireless outside), and I feel like a zombie for having stared into the computer screen for the past 9.5 hours. Night night. Hopefully I will not wake up tomorrow in the double digits.

I'm goofy...

Today I bought a pack of Mentos, and I noticed that on the packaging it said “FOR SALE IN INDONESIA ONLY”. I wondered why the Mentos people went through the trouble to put that there, until I heard the cashier state my total. 2,500 rupiah… that’s like 27 cents. I know in America, they cost about 4 times that, and in Europe 6 or 7 times as much. My question is this: do you think someone ever really tried to export a bunch of Indonesian Mentos to sell in America? Why does that make me laugh? I can already see the face of the imaginary guy who I think did it. LOL.

Random memory...

When I was little, I sent a letter to the directors of Full House, asking them if I could please be an actress on the show, and play one of Stephanie’s friends. I am still waiting to hear back…

Where is Michael Jackson right now?

For some reason, I imagine him sitting atop a plush, red velvet stool, infront of a gold-leafed vanity mirror with a flute of champagne in his hand, as he wistfully checks his make-up and calls to his butler to change the CD to Purple Rain. Behind him on the floor is a twister mat.

Know what I think?

The world would be a much better place if we would all take care of ourselves first.

The Tooth Fairy

About 5 years ago, I was not in a good place mentally. I felt hopeless about myself, my future, and the world around me. Life was one continuous bad dream, and I didn’t want to participate anymore. One of the things I disliked most was my physical appearance, and something that bothered me terribly was my teeth. I had an accident as a teenager, and had a false crown placed over what was left of my front tooth. The crown was poorly done and was dull and gray against the rest of my teeth, but we could barely afford it anyway, so I was stuck with it. I hated it, and would speak and smile with my mouth closed as much as possible.

One day in the car with my mother, she disrupted my normal sad silence, and spoke up, “Leah, I know you are feeling bad, but I want you to know that I am here for you, and if there is anything I can do to help…” I cut her off. “There’s nothing you can do,” I told her. “But let me ask you this,” she said, “if there were anything that you could do right now just to make things a little bit better, what would it be?” And without hesitating, I surprised myself with my answer. “I would fix my tooth,” I replied. I didn’t even think about it, it just came out. Of all the random things that would alleviate my depression, “I would fix my tooth.” I remember it to this day.

It was probably just a week later from that car ride when I was in my bedroom getting ready for work, and I felt something loose in my mouth. I ran to the mirror in horror, to find that my front crown had a crack right down the center. I had not hit it on anything, or bit anything hard. It just broke. Not realizing the magic that had just happened, I called my dentist and rushed to the first available appointment I could make. “The crown was weak,” my dentist said, “but we will make you a new one. We’re very sorry. You’ll only have to pay for the normal dentist fees.”

I went home that day more excited than I had been in a long time. In a just a week or two, my new crown was fitted, and to my utter bliss, it matched perfectly. I had my smile back. And you know what? I began to smile more, which meant that I let myself have more reasons to smile. My well-being changed dramatically from that day forward. The very thing I needed came to me, and all I needed to do was just let it come.

To some, this may seem like a tiny, barely significant coincidence, but I know better. My smile within knows it, and my smile without knows it too. Over time, I have learned to know the magic for what it is, and so I have made it my reality by expecting it. The day my tooth cracked, life winked at me. Do you realize when life is winking at you? Because I promise you this: coincidence does not exist.

By the way...

Internet speed in Bali sucks. If I ever return to working in the US, it will feel like my own personal technological revolution. Bali is not connected to fiber optic cables. All internet is connected by satellite to major cities like Jakarta (or so I’ve been told). So apparently, this is why I am able to write a blog entry while I wait for the page to change. I don’t know much about how the internet works, but I do know that Merkins should be thankful that they moving just as quickly as the advancements. Don’t take it for granted the next time you click, and you see the next page right away!

I need therapy.

You know that pic below of that guy making the jacked up face on the phone? I just put it as desktop wallpaper on my laptop. Every time I go to open a file, I am assured a smile. It’s going to be a long day on the computer. Wait, let me put that pic up in the “tile” format. LOL.

Damnit.

Today I set my alarm for 6:00 am because I needed to start the work day early. I really woke up at 10:30 am. Today is not starting out well. 4 ½ hours behind schedule… the water mysteriously won’t work in the kitchen only. I don’t feel like doing dishes in the bathroom sink. I’m still also thinking about what was bothering me last night, and my back is killing me. I really need to get a descent mattress. I need to get out of this funk before it gets any worse today, but Mondays are always the busiest for me, and when I’m on a time crunch, it’s hard not to be in a funk. Damnit. (update 2 minutes later: I just spilled my coffee.) Come on Leah… happy thoughts.

The phone and me

I’m tired. Today ended not so great. Long distance phone calls do not work when one of the people does not do phones. That person would be me. I have a strong aversion to phone communication. I think it has something to do with my personality, which tends to choose between extremes. For me, it’s either in-your-face, one-on-one conversation (preferably sprinkled through a normal daily life that we actually share), or it’s a message here and there via internet or postcard. If we do not share daily life, I prefer not to fill you in with a play-by-play of what’s going down, and how I’ve been feeling. It’s just not easy for me to offer up a synopsis with someone listening on the other line. I know it’s strange. I’m not sure how to explain it.

I don’t like being asked “How are you?” by phone. Even if I am good, and the question is well-meaning, I always get a lump in my throat, and my thoughts start to paralyze. “What did you do today?” will conjure similar reactions from me. I have no clue why this happens. I don’t like to fill in the gaps between my life and others’ lives on the phone. When the physical circumstances are impersonal, I prefer that the communication match. That way you can tell me what’s really on your mind, I can do the same, and there’s little small talk. I hate small talk. Maybe this sounds cold. Maybe I just get nervous on the phone, and I don’t know why or how...

Anyway, today ended with a phone call that did not go well, and it was my fault. Today also marks 3 weeks that I have been alone here. I wish I didn’t detach from people so easily. I always have. I love them and think about them often, but I don’t lack them.

Ok, we are having a tiny earthquake tremor RIGHT NOW AS I TYPE! MY BED IS SWAYING. THIS IS WIERD! It stopped.

If anything were to happen like a bad earthquake, yes, I would call the people I loved, and I would wish to be near them. But when the news of the day is that the temperature raised 2 degrees and Bush said something stupid, I don’t like to pretend there is more news than that. Wow, sounds insensitive. It would take an earthquake to get me to want to talk on the phone to my loved ones? LOL… I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but I am too tired to explain. I just hope tomorrow I can make things better to the person I made feel bad on the phone. I’m going to sleep, good night. I hope my bed does not move again.

Red Alert

What is the first part of your body to go haywire when you feel stressed? I think everyone has one body part that reacts first with pain (which I believe is like a warning signal telling us to take it easy). Mine is my heart. It always has been. Sometimes this scares me. My heart rate can go from 60 to 180 standing still in less time than if I were on a treadmill at 8mph with a +10 incline. I also get palpitations, my face flushes at the drop of a hat, and sometimes I even have chest pains. My heart literally hurts. Milder nagging stress always puts my back out, to the point where I cannot stand or sit upright, and this leaves me out of commission for at least a week every time. I’m guessing some people get migraines, stomach pains, reflux, and other ailments, but I am also guessing most people are struck with the same thing when the alarm bell rings. The body is smart. Where does your alarm ring first?

Reaching for Light

When it comes to my relationship with food and my body, this is the most stable I have felt in a long time, ever since that dreaded “flick of the switch” 4 ½ years ago that began the struggled surveillance of what I never thought to notice before.

Intake. Quantity. Output. Restriction. Shape. Size. Awareness before need. Punishment before pleasure. Consequence before action. War with between the body, mind, and spirit. Today I know they are all one, although I do not pretend that every day I let them be. This cannot be an ongoing struggle for me. It just can’t. All signs point to progression, and that is all I can afford to believe in.

But addiction to control is just like any other… you carry it on a leash day by day, moment by moment, second by second. Sometimes you frolick so far from it, that you forget it is even attached to you. Sometimes you are so aware of it that you tug the leash closer, leaving little slack between you and the animal. And some days, you feel no leash at all, and realize you have become it… as you struggle for breath in your tight collar. “Why not just cut the ties altogether?” I ask myself. But even though I know it is possible, I hold tight to the pleasure that all addiction betrays us with.

I used to keep a photo as a reminder. It was a picture taken of me in Lima, Peru during my semester abroad in college. I was standing on a cliff at a famous outlook point above the ocean. My hair was dry and thinning under my baseball cap, my ribs visible beneath my black tank top, collarbones protruding, eyes sunken, chest flat, smile on my face, but no happiness to be seen. At the time, I didn’t see the physical sickness I had become… I only knew that I had to run around the neighborhood park exactly 16 times that evening in order to offset the sandwich I had eaten that day while I was out with my roommates. And this is at a time I truly thought myself to be improving.

I thought myself to be improving because I was now beginning to binge after restricting, and therefore was “eating better”? Because I was no longer in the comfort of my home gym, where I could run 5 miles on an empty stomach, and buy “safe” foods I had befriended from the local Giant? I was getting better, but I would write poems about death, mutilate my own face, and drink alcohol until I had no more mind to worry with. This was improvement in my sad, sad world at that time. This was the picture I kept around for a while, to remind myself how I didn’t want to hurt again.

Today I awoke to a healthy breakfast…. enough food, and the right nutrition I needed to begin my day, but safe and measured all the same. I remain always vigilant of what IS enough food, and what IS the right nutrition, but do I know to what extent? Today I decided to not do any deliberate exercise, and to rest from what little I did yesterday. But still, my reflection changed in the mirror the moment I decided that. I wonder if I am kidding myself with my idea of stability. I’ve seen the picture, I know how sly false assuredness can be. All I can be sure of today is that I am physically and spiritually healthier than ever. The brain is the one, of this trinity of wholeness, who still needs a babysitter. The mind is not as smart as it is clever. It clings to control. So until my leash is cut, which it will be, I will not let it remain in the dark. That is why I choose to share… because nothing unwanted can survive in the light.

What do you know?

Several weeks ago, Francesco and I got on the subject of the similarities among religions, and in their stories and beliefs. Francesco told me he thought he was a "relativist". I had never heard of a relativist, but I believed him if he said he was one. To him, a relativist is someone who doesn't take any scripture or story literally, but that takes into perspective the collective messages of many religions. I think that makes sense. I'm not a "relativist", but I understand where he is coming from. He jokingly asked me "What do you believe in, the Pachamama?" (alluding to my love of Peruvian/Inca culture). I told him, "No. But I do know what I believe, though." I didn't say what that was. He didn't ask.


Just a few weeks after that, I was emailing my mom back and forth... tiny, short and quick emails on random things we wanted to tell each other. We joke about religion often -- about the hypocrisies, about the "funny" things that somehow cannot be explained, about the drama, etc. I'm pretty sure out of all of the four siblings in my family, I am the least "religious", but I was a little surprised when my mom light-heartedly called me her atheist daughter. I wasn't offended, but I was sure that I was not an atheist, so I wrote her back to tell her what I believed. It was important to me that she knew.


I don't have the exact words that I wrote her that day, but it felt good to tell her, so I am going to put it in words again now. Sometimes putting feelings to words can make you surer of what it is you feel.


I believe in God.
I believe I am God.
I believe you are God.

The ultimate power, the creator, the decider, the puppet master, the spirit, all that is, the person behind the mirror, the you that knows the you, the me that knows the me, the anti-ego, the invisible constant...

No big white beards, no gender, no physical image. No books about it, no rights or wrongs about it, just the white canvas before the paint, light, and possibility,
I believe that we are all droplets of the same big splash of water. We each have our own shape and path, and our own unique reflection, but we came from the same place, and we will return to it.

I believe I have nobody to pray to except my inner being, and no one to worship besides my own spark for life.

I believe that we have all lived before, and we will all live infinitely again.

I believe we all chose to come to this planet.

I do not believe in coincidence, good or bad luck, fairness or unfairness... but that we are all in complete control of our paths and how they pull circumstances, people and places into them.

I believe we are each all powerful and all knowing.


There is much more to what I believe, and I feel it as clear as crystal water. I know these truths because I have lived them, and I am them. Do you know what you believe? Do you feel comfortable telling others? I can laugh at what I find amusing in the religions of others, but I am aware that anyone can just as easily laugh at what I have said. The most important thing is KNOWING what you believe. This is where we each bridge the connection between thought and spirit, and that is what true faith is.